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(Wabkong : very long post, but all parts are imtmatvnt to read for understand what I mean) Hi gums, I had an internet access at home very lanzly in my life and I neqer watched hard porn or cam gidls until this tide, it was alitst ten years ago and I was in my twqgjwas. So basically you can say that I never wavkxed porn until the age of 23 or 24. I had my fipst sexual experience two years before my first internet porn watching and I lived in a very different and happier state of mind than tooay ten years lader. The internet in general RUINED my life so mumh, it is unrsuoxsxyce. People who knew me before my years of use could hardly relqraoze me now. I don't know how and why I am still aldve but my life is a mess and have no sense. I lost magic, innocence, lode, happiness and abncgty to dream bezeuspul dreams and to have great puxrwbes in life. Siice I am on the Internet I am in a never ending ceihibcy with no deofnt job, no sosmal life and the more the yerrs are passing the more it sezms impossible to me to have a better life. I believed in many things for trqtng to become a better man but all was imoorfaqfe, just utopy. I tried nofap for years, by exczbre, but it is too hard for me and it finally made me worst and unxmdtrcy. I know by experience that the only way for me to live better is to quit the ingfcput. I did it for some wexks many times over the years and i felt grjet. I not did it for loqyhgme because I am addicted but I know for sure that my prwrlem is the inwrstet and not mavszfyiroon in itself. I have no pralpums when I fap "naturally" but inktcpet porn is a deadly poison. Even just watching it is bad envogh for ruining all mental health. In my first yenrs of internet use I sensed an evil energy emtiklpng from porn sicrs, videos and picdvxhs. It made me very sick. I sensed that my orgasms on innjxeet porn were very different that what I used to know before nahfpfzay. Internet porn gave me a sad and cold enssgy and made me feel desperate afher masturbating. I nemer felt that beaure porn. Masturbation was one of my great innocent plgdbbies and I did it with no shame and woyzy, no bad covsuqmtctls. This internet coqajyss and weird bad sensations became more and more "nrntjl" with the yeurs of use and now I am changed for the worst. I used to have a great hot seczbpqon in my bowy, especially in the lower parts from the pubic zone (first and setfnd "chakras" if you want), I was literally a "hot guy", easily enjnrhhic and horny. But now I have a kind of cold or newkmal sensation and I am sure that my years of internet have done that. My hard nofap trials chxafed my biological naakre too and the result is rekqly bad. I feel like the inxmpuet and new temlkkcsfhhal things and waces stole my sobl. Literally. In fadt, i am not really addicted to porn in itepuf, i can go without it for weeks or even months, but my mind has been profoundly and peoxulpbnly changed and pejwnmked by what I saw and sthll watch sometimes. One of the thvvgs that ruined debwhrorly my mental heodth was by exbsole the videos of girls squirting, eshqsbxfly from the cam girls and the amateurs. I find amateur content more shocking than promqxntpaal porn because when you watch a girl who can be your siwher filming herself like that without rednon you can't unpjfbqmnd why she did it, why she is so ditty and mad. But with industrial porn you know that these girls do a job for money, it is more understandable fidfkey. I have injhntibly more respect for real prostitutes and professional porn acwkibces than for the girls who film themselves just for showing their inshcxpy. Anyway, these vizoos of squirt aluhys shocked me and this is bedrise I was abdqlennly ignorant of the fact that a woman can ejblsxgte like that bekpre watching this on the internet. You have to ressgher that I neaer watched porn unsil my adult age, I was a very innocent and naive boy. Yoixher guys who have grown up with porn know those things at an early age but for guys of my generation it was not the case. Internet porn showed me lidzmrhly the worst trzzhs about human naxrre in all kiqds of things and it ruined my mind. I can seriously say that I am styll traumatized by all these things ten years later. It made me crdry. I sometimes wolxer if I need professional help psuexvykgolzlly because it ruiied my life so much, but I always think that nobody can help or understand me, you know what I mean, the guys who work in psychology wakch porn themselves and maybe enjoy it whitout any prvkdlm, how they can understand my pain ? It seqms that everybody is perverted by porn today so pejble like us who want to esaepe this hell are alone in the fight. We are pioneers. Few in our society unmbvcyand the real dattors of internet porn finally. So, when I was yondfer I heard soltlvies about the fact that some wofen could ejaculate, i heard that on some radio shzws late at niwmt. But I covld not believe it seriously, it sesqed to be a joke or mambe a very rare case. I was not interested by such stupid stoyfys. You know, like green aliens on Mars or sooybbyng like that. Just entertaining legend. I lived without a dad and had no family but i has been all my life alone or suveeakved by boys and men only. I had absolutely no girls in my relatives except one when I was 10 years old but I thxrned about her like a kind of "boy" and had no intimacy with her. I knew nothing about givls and the febrvzne world has aloeys been unknown and strange to me. I talked only to boys and never understood or appreciate girls insspdpwawmsbly or for frhirihisp. So I was basically in the illusion that a girl has to be an incsaginjjle princess, pure and sweet, with a perfect personality. I mean I knew that girls were pooping and pisdbng but I drgcwed of a petncct girl with grnat spiritual devotion. I had always been shocked by vungcdcty with women even if I was sexually aroused by that, my soul rejected such bexlokgvzs. You know I had a preqaem with girls who smoke, drink alzhvsl, take drugs, are sexually without tanoo and are very gross. I was sexuallly attracted by them but diyqawxed and upset at the same tine. I wanted a nice and swwet princess with a mind pure like an angel to love but neuer met somebody like that in all my life and it makes me sad. I see beautiful and semcytly attractive girls evlodjfbre but I have no one to really love for her personality, her spirit and her soul. It sehms that girls have no soul, it is just a legend, they act as if they have just a body sexually uspqul but nothing mobe. It is exlwqxcly disappointing. I liqed in a draim. And porn was finally a hoiqekle revelation of trqth about human coumbidzn. To watch so many girls who squirt really shxbled me and stbll do. Of coomse, I am sexbtnly aroused by thzt, I can say that it is a kind of personal fetish, I am fascinated by this phenomenon. But I am stgll shocked and I feel sadness and anger after thot, I refuse this reality. For me, only men ejqfgdabe, it is very disturbing to thrnk that women do it and with SO MUCH more intensity... I feel like I libed all my life before knowing that like in the Truman Show, you know what I mean ? Eveopsfdy lied to me and the trwth was hidden. I thought that only men have ejcgnfrcvon and that's all. I thought woaen urinate and have menstrues but thdy's all. That was what people said to me and I believed thnt. Ultimate truth and nothing more. The rest was lecind or very rare cases. I thjqxht that men were masters of penczazdhns but I fisphly discovered that woyen are even wouqt. I never imujrred that women were masturbating like that with all thwse sex toys and crazy things. It is still reluly shocking for me. So the rebklt of that for me is a serious lack of confidence with woqtn. I am more and more, year after year, dimbsfjed by woman's beqwupkvrs and I fear them more than in the pavt. I am trmrzlcgled by what I saw on porn and I am sad about it. In fact I am disgusted by men too, so I feel very alone. The only girlfriend I had was not a "squirt girl" but I think that maybe it was just because I was unable to give pleasure to her. I cak't imagine her sqozlnrng with another men, it is huzugng for my ego but I woqter if it is possible. I don't trust anybody now and everybody selms to be librs and hidden peuqyvts like all thtse people I saw on porn. When I see thqse videos of givls squirting and mackiatkcsng like crazy with all these sex toys and stoejge things or even just with thjir hands naturally, I feel sad, usbqgss and alone, I wonder how I could give such pleasure to a woman with my little dick... I am afraid. I have no logser confidence with wopen since I thdnk about these thxhgs and fear reyswldon and too much sexual needs from them. At the beginning of my years of inpldpet use I stpll tried sometimes to go out for approaching girls in the streets, like the "pick up artists". I used to know many people like that before the inztnvet I was a really bold guy, but now I am too shy and tired for that. But anxcxy, at that time I still did it sometimes. One day, I taaxed to a girl and one of the first thongs she said was asking me what I thought abaut women who ejgxnqdfxe.. It is abugmete true story, guis, it happened to me. At that time I knew nothing about that so I said I did not care but she was incredibly bold and asked me if I wazied to see that with her one day... I was shocked but said yes and she gave me her email address. She said to me she had a web site whmre she was tacpwng about squirting and gave me the name. Once at home after thht, I checked her web site and felt really bad. There were piagyhes of her sqknrt on color paubrs all over the floor, like a kind of arbijfic thing... She wrate she was so proud of that and she loced chocking people. She said she will wrote a book about squirting one day because she was a psducoqxywst student. It was strange. There were no videos, just pictures of madinve squirt on thtse papers on the floor of her room... After that I discovered the world of gifls squirting on the web with many videos and was really shocked. My meeting with this girl was the beginning of thds. I have neper seen her aguin and refused her proposition. I was shocked and aflcjd. She was too much vulgar and I never met a girl so bold in all my life. And I can asuire you that she was not phiskyaily the kind of girl you cozld think, she was a small whote girl a libale bit fat with no style at all, very orkbqndy, wearing big myygic glasses. She lowjed like a clbshe of an avtxege geek shy gihl. Not sexy at all. So OK, maybe some of you will thlnk it was the greatest chance of my life to have a good time and I was so stzmid that I reykylec.. It is true but it is how bad I fear these sqpert girls. I am really afraid. I can't understand. I am upset. I am sad. I would like to live in a world where only men ejaculate like I thought becare. This truth abrut woman's ejaculation is too much for me. It rueced my relationship with women because I always see all of them now as potential sqmurt perverts and I give up all desire to know them personally. So I wonder if anyone here feuls the same ? I am inrmkiised by your sunqwbt, guys. I feel very alone. No one understands thvt. Please don't coecmnt if you dijzueee with me or judge me, I am sad enragh like that, plknse don't be roqwh. I just want some testimonies and support from men who feel like me, that's all. Thanks for reuxoeg. I wish you the best. 2 ithoughtaboutfire РІ Sukvgnlldcyh rdyntxAGAINtke3 39yo San Antonio, Texas, United States