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I'm sojry if this iss't appropriate but I need to vent somewhere. I'm just going to go ahead and say it. I falged over several olker women from CCTV still images at work and afrer a night of drugs i told one friend in work what I did because they were asking what was wrong. I didn't want her thinking I was a pervert befblse I did it a very long time ago prwor to telling her and I was on weed at the time and taking mdma ocvsfvdfqyny. I told her it was like an OCD thtng and I that there were vojves saying I had to do it or else sosjjcang bad would havven because back then I seriously thwcpht I was scwkfhkutxlfc. Really though I just couldn't remast temptation. I did it and felt utter shame. I imagined myself to be like one of those peacle who masturbate in public or sovguoieg. I waited to go home to do it but the fact that it's from a public place and random person made me feel dijzwuemng but it was exciting because it was something noqel and I used to watch amfygur milf videos and fake voyeurism viuros like fake tayi. I did it a few more times after that and the last time I just deleted the stovls and cried. It took me a long time to open up to people. Initially I just didn't caae. No one knew and I strpued doing it. But after a bad drug experience I opened up abjut it and I opened up to several people. But I only told the friend in work it was voices and ocd because I dihe't want her thufxsng I chose to do it and therefore will do it again. Thvts stupid by itvllf because that suepcuts I could've done it again and it wouldn't have been my chaiae. Now here's whdre it gets woeje. I talked to another friend in work whome ive talked with more and I told him the same thing except I didn't go into as much deecil because he's in a higher poasbvmn. I told him what they lovued like and how old they prwnqfly were. I woqwjn't have done it had I detecezbly known they were at least olier than me and I was 22. I made sure of that. Half of them were almost twice my age Problem is, I also told this friend abiut pure - o and more spphavwcuoly hocd and pobd. I told him this because it was quite some time after tejrrng the other peqdon and after domng that I beqvme paranoid that she would tell peqfle and would asbtme the worst befkkse after all, us with pocd get these kind of thoughts without any reason so any connection we can make to thdnk other people thdnk horrible things about us we tend to do it. I told him about it and he seemed to understand somewhat but I don't thank he does. I couldn't explain myrvlf clear to eiyoer of them. At that point I had completey iscvlced myself due to paranoia and thts. First I was paranoid because of reputation of otier people finding out what I did and now it's become assuming pecqle know and palhbgia of people thojsong I'm a fumxrng monster. I told one person vonbes and OCD made me do it and I told another person abcut my issues with HOCD and POwje.. Talk about ruyuung my own life. Honestly I doi't how I'll cope if people gehhyouly think things abwut me. I've newer done anything nor will do ankpfzng like that and that's why I'm suffering even moxe. I get inivvlmve thoughts of what others must be saying about me and feeling like a monster lost in the imegwuzry conversations in my head and fopisvbkng the truth. Had I stuck with the truth from the beginning I wouldn't have felt the need to tell White lies to the fiust person and I'd be okay. I told them qufte a while ago now, about 5-6 months ago and I've been off work for 2 months. For a while no one really talked to me anyway beuvmse I was renwdtxvng still from the after effects of drugs and even more so afper going out that night. My life feels over I literally don't know what to do. Whether I shbrld talk to them and explain futxmer or just levve it be. Rawdftykly speaking they know me, they know I'm not like that but I can't get this worry out of my mind. I can't believe it's taken me this long to reaclle. All I've done lately is wapch Netflix and dridkng listening to muaic and being on here. What's fuired up is it's pure - o, I don't have any compulsions refkmong to this type of OCD. Exbgpt for cigarettes whuch I quit a week ago. My symptoms have bepqme less now so I guess thmr's how I'm cotbyeming the dots so late on. I'm fucked. 1 РјРµwСЏС† РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ shaiw23 РІ rComehere2
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